Wednesday, July 16, 2003 @ 07:19am | Entry no.258 | Up all night to watch the sun come up. ||   mood    confused   || ||   music    "strawberry gashes" _ jack off jill   || My lips hurt. I've been slathering chapstick on them all night in the hopes that might offer some relief; it doesn't. They still hurt and they're all red and raw. Yuck. Now before you people all start thinking bad things, because my sweetie is still away, the reason my lips are all chapped was because I gave myself a facial earlier tonight, and I think I rubbed a bit too hard on my lips because they hurt. They're a lovely shade of berry though. And I am incredibly soft, and I smell so very delicious. I completely pampered myself last night, only because I couldn't find the webcam and needed someway to kill a few hours because certain people weren't calling me ((ahem)). I wound up arguing with Mikey for a little while, because I woke him up to go get ice cream, because I've been craving it, but both of us were too lazy to move much, so I raided the freeze. Fat-free frozen yogurt. Uh... good enough at 4 in the morning. I wound up almost kicking his butt because the bastard wouldn't help me finish eating all the ice cream, and there was only about a few spoonfuls left, so I ate the rest. I get to be all pudgy! Thank goodness, it's fat-free. Jeni'll have a bit of a surprise when she gets home. Because of the endless flow of guys at this house, everything that could be eaten, has been eaten, including all the munchie foods she bought. Anywhoo, I was talking to Brian late last night, or early this morning is more like it. What a jerk. He was so rude to me and was wondering why I wouldn't cheat on my sweetie with him. Because he's an asshole, that's why. He's actually said that I've cheated on past boyfriends with him. Ha! No, he's put the moves on me while I had a boyfriend, and I've push him off more times than I count, before his lips even touched mine. So, me? Cheat? Hardly. I'm a good girlfriend, and just because I won't go out with him while he's in town, he's angry with me for that. He only wants one thing anyways, and if he hasn't gotten it after six years, I don't think he'll ever get it. And besides, if I were to cheat, I'd make sure it'd be worth it. Mmm... Billy Martin, but nope, I'm a good girl. No cheating here. No sirreebob. [to everyone who's chuckling to themselves right now, shush, I am a good girl] It's nice to see Brian's all interested in what's going on in my life, because he's checked my profile on AIM a billion and a half times. [compared to everyone else, but seriously, how many times do you need to see the same thing over and over again?] But, being a jerk is no way to get me to go out with him if I'm single again. I hate doing that though. Saying that I'll go out with people once I'm single again. It sounds like I'm being so negative about things. On that note, Patrick doesn't believe me at all when I told him that I'd go out with him the day that my sweetie and I split up, because heck, enough time has been wasted by the two of us anyways. And I would, I mean, Patrick's a cool fella, with a cool name, and one screwed up mentality... to suit mine. I think he might be mad at me though. Ummi's kitten was over here... and with all cute things, it's a struggle not to hurt them, [hurt them in the ((pinches your cheek til it hurts because you're just that goshdarn cute!)) kind of way], and I think he took it the wrong way, meaning that I intentionally hurt animals. Nope, sorry, that's not who I am. I only hurt humans. You've been a naughty boy, you need to be punished ((cracks whip)) ((laughs)) Yeah, I'm being weird. Hmph, I haven't mentioned Mike in a few journal entries. He might feel left out and unimportant and get all silly and not talk to me again, because ((gasp)) other guys are mentioned and he isn't. But he knows why though. He better remember why, he knows stuff... right? Like.. you know. Yes, I'm being evasive again. Many pardons, good reader, but too bad, you don't get to know, heck no one gets to know... well, except Steve. Steve's a cool fella... wish I could see him more often. ((zips mouth shut)) But, oops, I'm supposed to be talking about Mike in this entry. Hmph, the silly goose was playing with a rubrik's cube... and using algorithms to solve it. Uhh, I've never heard of people actually doing that before; everyone I knows, just usually sits down somewhere plays it for a little while, til they're tired of it, and they pass it along to someone else who's in the proximity, and have then play with it for a little while. Me, I've been lucky enough to solve one before. That's enough for me. I need to accomplish something once, and I'll never have to do it again. Same with everything else in my life. I'm able to do everything half-assed enough so that I won't make a fool out of myself when I say that I can do certain things. Either way, he's an odd duck, who causes me to raise an eyebrow in question whenever the little screen on my computer flashes. Bah, I've found an easy way to not think of people anymore, or at least not as much. If you take people off your Buddy List, I find it hurts a lot less when you don't talk to them. I mean, seeing their name just staring at you, and not being able to just be with them anymore, or even see them contact you to say, "hi, how are you doing?", it hurts. There's just this little emptiness inside because they're not there anymore, and it was made all the more apparent last night as I was cleaning out my mailbox. I read all the little messages we used to send each other, and it felt like a knife was being driven into my heart. Painful. Very, very painful. People leave little imprints in your heart. Ah! I'm going to go find something that's buried away in one of my written diaries. Yay! Found it, here it is. I'll probably post it in blurtyaddicts ( The Perfect Heart. ) Oops, another long post. I'm going to go watch a movie now. <33 toodles ( 3 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, July 16, 2003 @ 09:39am | Entry no.259 | quiz results ||   mood    bored   || ||   music    an evening with Kevin Smith   || I haven't done quizzes in a long time, mostly because they never really held any interest, but now I'm bored, and there's really nothing else to do, so quizzes it is. ( quizzes ) ( 4 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, July 16, 2003 @ 11:47pm | Entry no.260 | listening to sappy songs, and struggling against the urge to just breakdown. ||   mood    pissed off   || ||   music    "lollirot" _ jack off jill   || Unspeakable anger building up. Rage clouds my thoughts and I'm struggling not to take it out on everyone around me. Bad day today. Very, very, day. A day where I wound up throwing a huge temper tantrum and trashed my room because I was just that pissed off. I truly hate people. Boys in general. Fuck them all. I'll just move to Jersey and get away from all of them here. Live a celibate life, and work, work, work all the time, with no time to play, or to even think about what I'm missing. That seems so ideal right now. I probably won't do that though, because mummy dearest is driving me crazy again. More phone calls, and more voicemails and a lot more guilt trips. I'm being pushed more and more towards a complete breakdown with each passing day. I really should just leave and gather my thoughts, then come back when I think everything's okay. But, nope, I can't do that. Last time I did that, I disappeared for about 3 weeks, and had Kare almost call my mum and tell her I was gone. That's the only thing that made me return home. I had Dee cover for me with my dad, and he didn't even realize I was gone. How's that for good parenting? I just got a phone call from my sweetie, and I've miss him so much, that I was almost ready to cry because he called me to say that although he couldn't talk to me for long, he just called to say that he missed me. Yet... things are running through my head and they're not good things. I don't know what to do. What can I do? I've backed myself into a horrible little corner, and there's no way out. Well, there is a way out, but it's not pretty. I'm not supplying details and probably when I look back on this one day, I'll be like what the heck was I talking about? Oh well, I'll just write, [refer to the blue book] I wrote about everything that was troubling me in my written journal, because I found that it's a lot easier to carry around a book, than go running to my computer about it. It's also because I write more private thoughts in my written journal than I do here. Which is saying a lot because I'm pretty candid when it comes to writing about stuff on Blurty. ((sighs)) I'm hating everything right now, and I just wish I was 17 again, and everyone was crashing over Barb's house, and I wound up getting upset over Brian, as I always did [and still do], and everyone was sleeping in the living room when I ran off to the basement, because I wanted some alone time. Mattie came walking down the stairs after a few minutes, because he saw that I was missing. He knew what was going on before I went downstairs, and he just put his arms around me, and held me tight, and told me everything was going to be fine, and to just forget about him. And even though I kept pushing him away and telling him to go upstairs, he didn't. Mattie was always good like that. After a little while, he went upstairs and I fixed myself up and followed. That night, we spent cuddling. I always did love cuddling with him. Ha, I remember New Years, when Mattie kept grabbing my arm and putting it around him and making me cuddle with him, but wouldn't let my hand drift south, and oh, I tried. ((oops)) Grr.. evil boy. I just really wish the hands of time can be turned back. So many mistakes that I've made, knowing full well at the time that they were mistakes that could ruin my life. Yet, I proceeded to go through with them anyway. When I realize that while living in the moment may be all fun in games, what happens afterwards.. I just don't want to be paying for my mistakes for the rest of my life. It's lovely how I started off this post feeling angry, and I'm going to wind up ending it feeling sad and frankly, very unloved, even though my sweetie obviously cares for me. I still feel this emptiness inside... like I've been used. Hmph, I hope it isn't so, but either way. I'm going to end this now and lay on my bed and listen to Finch's What it is to Burn... or I'll just talk to my lovely Chadwick, because that'll lift my spirits. I think I'll do just that. <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )